Showing Up

A month ago I traveled to Chicago for a variety of minor reasons. Wanted to see a friend, catch a concert, and perhaps meet up with an acquaintance I made in La Guardia airport the prior month. We struck up a short conversation while I waited for my flight back south. Turns out she lived in Chicago, which is where I went to college, blah blah blah, we end up exchanging emails. The conversation continues, I let her know I'll be up in her city and we make plans to meet. Then she flaked out on me. Pretty disappointing.

I'll admit, I've flaked out on a variety of plans. Usually it's just an issue of laziness, which is unfortunate because once I actually get out the door to keep an appointment, it's easy to follow through. It's that getting started part that trips me up. I've also blown something off because I didn't think it'd be worth it. Now that's a huge mistake. Too many times what I thought would suck turned out to be awesome, and what I anticipated to rule ended up drooling.

Case in point: went to a birthday party last weekend. Did not expect anything too dramatic, and really that's how most of the party went. But there were some very interesting people in the place, in particular a cute, not socially awkward, single, female grad student. For those not in grad school, that's the equivalent of a unicorn. Do a little number exchange, and invite her to a year-end department party last night. She comes out, we have a great time, everything goes better than expected.

Here's the rub. A few hours into the evening she tells me she was typing out a text to back out of coming when she got message letting her know to come over. If I replied fifteen seconds later, the night would've been very different. Life would go on, maybe we'd see each other again, but we'd have lost an opportunity to make a personal connection.

I can understand backing out of meeting a guy you met in an airport, but canceling on someone you have an interest in? That would be pretty disappointing. Fortunately it didn't go that way, and life is taking an unexpected turn. So don't flake out this holiday season. Go to the parties, go to the reunions. Humans are social creatures, and the most interesting things can happen when we're put together. Enjoy!

On a somewhat related note, it has been and will continue to be a busier-than-normal period for me. Advanced apologies if I flake on a post or two over the next few weeks. As always, I appreciate the dialogue in the comments, and will be catching up on a number of your own posts this weekend. Happy holidays!

Creating and Consuming

I started maintaining this blog as a vehicle for practicing my writing and creating content on demand. It's actually a really convenient format for such pursuits, and I will recommend the idea to junior grad students that ask for some advice. I expected to struggle with finding a writing voice (an ongoing process) and coming up with ideas to consistently turn into posts. Naturally, I didn't foresee everything. One unexpected result, so far, is the effect having a more clearly defined "creating time" outside of normal working hours has had on my daily routine.

I'm starting to see my activities as either creative or consumptive. That is, at any given moment, I'm either creating original content of some form, or I'm consuming content created by someone else. For example, as a grad student I may set up an experiment, analyze data, draw a figure or prepare a presentation. Those are all creative tasks. On the other hand, I also read the literature and listen to presentations from colleagues. Those are consumptive tasks. Note that I'm not using the word creative to mean "clever," but simply something that produces new content, which may be total crap or pure gold.

Outside of work, a similar distinction can be made. Writing this post is creation; reading your posts is consumption. Commenting on your posts is creation; reading your comments is creation. Watching kittens on YouTube is consumption; filming your cats for YouTube is creation. I never really looked at my actions this way until I started writing here. I'm not sure why, but finding myself attempting to create regularly in a space I previously only consumed certainly played a role.

Some acts of creation more illicit than others

Here's the great conclusion I've come to so far: creating original content is hard. Count me among the billions who have said "Ah, I could do that if I only tried" to something that I might be able to do, but severely underestimated the amount of effort and time that went into the creative process. Furthermore, it's very easy to burn out on creation. I originally thought it'd be great to put up daily posts, but that would come only at the compromise of quality, and I'd eventually stop. At some point, I need to consume some other people's content for both a break and inspiration.

That brings me to my final point: a schedule is creation's friend. I admit I'm pretty terrible at keeping a regimented schedule. Between procrastination and anti-authoritarian impulses, I'll find a way to do anything other than what I scheduled. But I'm trying, I'm really trying, by using very loosely defined "creating blocks" and "consuming blocks" without getting too specific with what needs to get done in that time period. Hopefully this solves a lifelong issue for me: without a set time for creation and a set time for consumption, I burn out after a short period of time. Then I find myself believing I could do anything, if I only tried.

Sex: Where Survival Becomes Pleasure

So I got to thinking about sex today. That's not exactly news worthy, as any post-pubescent male will attest. However, all this thinking about motivation and survival and pleasure cast the typical carnal thoughts in a different light. It seems obvious--too obvious--to say sexual desires are fueled solely by desire.

I know this flies in the face of thousands of years of stereotypes and jokes. I'm sure any woman who reads that opening paragraph thinks I'm not thinking with any head. But I'm being as serious as I risk being here. Physical attraction is a complex experience for at least this guy, and I think it's because more than just pleasure is at stake. Sex is a game of survival as well.

Life before the internet

Consider the following. What's the physiological point of getting it on? Making babies. And where do babies get their genetic make up? Their parents. So what are babies to parents? A way to pass on their genes to a future generation. A way to survive beyond their current body's own mortality.

But there's the rub. We don't nub and divide like yeast. We're sexual, not asexual. We need someone else to contribute the other half of our future, and that person has their own life, their own personality, their own way of dealing with this world. That's when it starts to get complex. I'll be damned if the source for that other half is someone I would despise having to deal with the rest of my life. I don't care how gorgeous someone looks rolling out of bed; if they're a royal pain in the ass, I will continue to pass on the pleasure.

So from my thinking, physical attraction is a filter for whether the other half of our offspring will be capable of getting them a chance at reproduction. That in turn is a way to preserve our own genes, at the cost of dilution (tanstaafl). At the same time, personality and character compatibility are a filter to prevent us from committing a murder, and that preserves my genes in the present.

From a stranger conversation this weekend: "Having kids doesn't mean the end. But you gotta find the right mom."

I'm Curious if There's More to It

In a previous post, I arrived at the conclusion that we're ultimately motivated by survival or pleasure (S&P). Whatever we do can be traced back to those two things. Some Punk threw a chopstick at me in disagreement, though, and made the point that alternative motivations probably existed, citing "curiosity" as an example. I let this idea simmer for a few days, attempting to follow a reasonable path from that motivation back to one of the two I cited. Let's see how deep this rabbit hole goes.

Simmer until desired consistency has been reached

First things first: definitions. I had to choose a common starting point for curiosity, and I choose the Merriam-Webster dictionary. So if you disagree with their definition, take it up with them, but only after pointing it out in the comments.

Curiosity: a desire to know things; inquisitive interest.

As a practicing scientist, I can appreciate this suggestion. My group actually does basic science (as opposed to applied), which really starts by asking the question "Why does this happen?" (as opposed to "How can we use this?"). The reasons we want to answer these kinds of questions are numerous, and include: 1) we want to share the answer with others, 2) we want to apply this new knowledge to solve a problem, 3) we just like doing the work and finding the answer. We do (1) because we either enjoy teaching or want the accolades that come with being the first to express an idea. We do (2) to make the world a better place and/or earn a profit for the solution. We do (3) because we just hate not knowing.

And why do we do any of those? Because, in aggregate, it's ultimately more pleasurable to do them than to not.

Now, different people will find different degrees of pleasure in each of those "submotivations". If you hate public speaking or writing, you won't enjoy sharing your results. But you likely enjoy the contribution those results make to the field or you took pleasure in doing the work that led to the results. That is, when all of the reasons you do something are added together, no matter how far into the future those reasons exist, if the balance is pleasurable, you should take action.

In the extreme case that our hypothetically curious subject disliked learning, sharing and applying the results, then our subject is certainly doing these activities for compensation, based on the premise this compensation will bring outsized pleasure in the future relative to the discomfort suffered in the present. Or our friend is just making ends meet to survive.

Curiosity extends well outside of a lab, and so does the final conclusion. Going to try a new restaurant out tonight? My guess is you're hoping to enjoy your meal. Traveling to a foreign land to learn something about the world? I'll wager you really get a kick out of new experiences and different cultures. Curious about starting a blog and publishing your thoughts to the world? Better pick something pleasurable to write about, otherwise we won't get to read your writing for too long.

I can think of a few possibilities that seem distinct from S&P, but they're all malicious in some way. Addiction and compulsion come to mind. What motivates people to stay in abusive relationships? I have fortunately very little experience in any of these, and won't disgrace their subtle nature by commenting on them. Survival (whether real or perceived) may play a role, but I doubt anyone aware of being in those situations would suggest pleasure as a motivation.

So, I believe curiosity is itself driven by the pleasure of finding, sharing and acting on new knowledge. You might say that's simply semantics, and that I've just broadened the definition and reasoning behind some alternative motivation until I can call it pleasure. Perhaps, but I find that a powerfully uniting idea. No matter where you came from, what you look like, how you say "mom", or what you aim to achieve in life, we're all coming from the same place: sticking around and having a good time.

Any other suggestions? What's motivating you today? I'd be happy to consider them and will respond in the comments. Whatever you suggest, I think we'll discover at its source survival or pleasure.

You Don't Know What You Want, and That's Okay

In our modern world, we have freed up significant amounts of time to work on tasks outside of finding something to eat. We have filled that vacuum with various activities that fall into two categories: work and hobbies. Hobbies are by definition something we do for pleasure in our free time, outside of work. Work, on the other hand, is something we do in order to earn currency to trade for the things we need to survive. Some people find their jobs enjoyable, but I'm guessing most do not. Yet they do it anyway. WHY?!

It's easy to lean back in my chair and tell the internet to find a job it enjoys. Obviously that's much more difficult to implement. First, there are the people with families to support. I'm not even going to pretend to understand the complexity of survival and pleasure in that situation, and I admit freely anything that follows probably does not apply to them. Second, even in a good job market, the job someone thinks they will enjoy may not be available. That brings us to the third difficulty, and the one I think is most often overlooked, but causes the most problems: we don't know what job would make us happy.

Maybe not lasting happiness, but it would be fun to pull a donut in

This point extends well beyond jobs (kids toys and dating come to mind), but considering how much time we spend working it seems the most important thing to enjoy. I think it'd be great to be able to write all day and get paid for it. Would I really enjoy it, though?

What happens when a hobby becomes a job? What happens when our motivation moves from pleasure to survival? Certainly some jobs suck so much anything is an improvement, but if given the opportunity to write your perfect job description, can you honestly guarantee you would love everything about it?

The sooner we stop worrying about what we're missing that will make us happy, and just start taking pleasure in those things already around us, the sooner we'll all  be happier. Sure, it's enjoyable to work towards a goal, but it's equally important to realize that perhaps the goal itself is not where the pleasure lies.

To What End?

While toiling in my nerdery the past few days, my thoughts drifted from the concrete actions I took in front of me, to a more meta level where I asked "Why am I doing this?" Initially I really only asked the question with regard to what I was doing with my hands at that moment, but then I got to wondering why anyone does anything. Why did you get out of bed this morning? Why do you go to school/work/whatever? Why do you talk to strangers/friends/anyone?

I arrived at two reasons: survival and pleasure. The first one should be pretty obvious, although I'm suspicious and undecided of the real reason we fear our non-existence. I'll save that for another time, though. Let's talk about pleasure.

If all we must do is eat and sleep to survive, then everything else beyond that is motivated by pleasure. Even eating and sleeping are influenced by this motivation. Do you add spices to your meals? Pleasure. Have a Coke and a smile, instead of just water? Pleasure. Sleep on a mattress when the floor will do? Pleasure.

Pleasure is a complex experience. There's a time component to pleasure (immediate versus delayed gratification), and expectations play a huge role in our perception of a pleasurable experience. Marketing over hypes a movie and we're left dissatisfied. Catch a good band you've never heard of and you come away satisfied. Ah, the complexity.

This was an unexpected, pleasurable concert.

I'm going to dwell on these concepts in coming articles in an effort to understand my own motivation, and why I sometimes do what I consider best for me, and many times choose to do an inferior task.

Do you think there's more to life than survival and pleasure? Do you always do "what's best" (the answer is no, but why?).